Can't We All Just... Oh, Never Mind.

I've been thinking about opinions and hypocrisy.




See, all this hoopla about The Dirty Picture and the Censor Board going medieval on its ass has stirred up the old debate again. What happened to freedom of expression, they ask, those glossy celebrities on the front page of Bombay Times. We're supposed to be a democracy, they exclaim in a huff. 


Spend five minutes on the internet and you'll see that the freedom to express oneself is alive and kicking people in the nuts. Scroll down the comments section of any blog and there it is, spewing violent, vitriolic nonsense at the author. We're a democracy alright - it just seems that we haven't yet realised that it's a double-edged sword. 


The brilliant Aaron Sorkin hit the nail on the head with characteristic accuracy, in The American President when he had Andrew Shepard tell the American press this:


"You want free speech? Let's see you acknowledge a man whose words make your blood boil, who's standing centre-stage and advocating at the top of his lungs that which you would spend a lifetime opposing at the top of yours...Then you can stand up and sing about the land of the free."  


You can't just say, "Oh, I have the right to have an opinion," but fume if someone else expresses theirs. It might be something that pisses nine kinds of crap out of you, but it's his (or her) opinion. They have a right to it, same as you. Of course, it doesn't need to be cloaked in hateful swear-words, but hey, it is what it is - something to be ignored.


Easy for you to say, you're thinking. Well, no actually, it isn't. Lately, I've been getting all sorts of hate-mail type comments on this blog and others. Yes, there are different varieties. There's the type that's abusive and violent, lots of 'f' words, liberal amounts of the 'b' word, the odd 'c' word here and there, lots of angst basically. And then there's the wannabe witty type that urges you to keep your day job and get out of this blogging thing before someone gets hurt. Typically, the people who leave these kind of comments, tend to pick remarkably original usernames like 'what a load of crap' and 'you suck'.


And as much as I'd like to retort with a zinger to all this love, well, what would be the point really? I'd say something and they'd say something back and so on and so forth ad nauseum. This is the internet for chrissake, it would be like trying wrestle with the wind. 


And besides, I have this terrible flaw that a lot of these haters don't - I seem to have some standards below which I refuse to fall. I'm guessing so do a lot of you. In which case, do join me up here on the moral high ground. The view is fantastic.

Doormats, are you listening?

There was this girl I knew back in college who wanted a guy who never had a girlfriend before. She hadn't had a boyfriend before either and she wanted a relationship that was as virginal as herself. "We'll discover the ups and downs of being in a relationship together," she'd say, "We'll both learn things as we go along." 

Somehow, that idea never worked for me. 

Back then, I wanted a man who'd been around the block at least once. It didn't make sense to me that both people in a relationship should be greenhorns. If a guy has been with a woman or two before me, I reasoned, he'd know how things worked. Physically, emotionally, whatever.

Over the years, I've refined this understanding into a single, simple equation:

A man is the sum of his ex-girlfriends.

Women leave impressions on the men they've been with. A man's behaviour, his opinions, the way he treats women, the way he behaves in public around them - it's all moulded by his experience with the women he's been with before you. 

If his ex cheated on him, he'll take time to trust you. If she was a high-maintenance ice princess, chances are he'll pamper your ass off, because in his head there's a certain standard that needs to be met. In fact, you may get some bonus affection simply because your demands aren't as high as hers. 

On the other hand, if his ex was a doormat, sister, you've got work to do. You'll have to start from point zero, teaching the man about the certain standard that needs to be met. You'll have to take him gently by the hand and tell him in no uncertain terms that anything doesn't go with you. Good luck with that, by the way.

And if his ex was a warm, loving, caring person with whom he shared a mature, respectful and passionate relationship, well, then first of all, you're going to have to keep an eye on her for the rest of your life. But the good part is, hopefully, their relationship would've taught your guy how to be nice and considerate and all that other Mills & Boons hero type of crap.

So ladies, I have an appeal for you, on behalf of all other women:

Please train your man well. 

Teach him how to be kind, how to listen, when to shut up. Teach him to help around the house, be sympathetic during PMS and patient during chick-flicks. Tell him what works in bed and what will earn him brownie points out of bed. It's a lot of work, but if he's a good learner, you'll reap the benefits yourself in time. 

And in the unfortunate event that your relationship doesn't work out for whatever reason, well, then you're sending out a well-trained man into the world for the benefit of the other women out there. Karma being what it is, that should bring a well-trained man to your door one day. 

Wham, Bam, Stay Down, Bitch.

For the past month, I've been thinking of domestic abuse. A friend sent me a few articles on the subject. From another I heard of a common friend going through it. A third mentioned how back in college, a couple of girls from our class had been in abusive relationships.

And overwhelmingly, the emphasis was on the physical side of abuse - the shovings, the beatings, the burning with cigarette stubs, the belt-lashings and worse.

I cannot imagine the horror all of this amounts to.

But I can say this: a man can't break a woman's body, till he's broken her mind.

Till he's made her feel ugly, unloved, useless, worthless and helpless. Till he's made her believe that nobody else can ever want her, so she better put up with whatever he's dishing out because there's nobody else out there.

It's called emotional abuse and it starts much before the actual beatings. Constant criticism, verbal abuse, mockery, passive aggression - it comes in many forms. And in many ways, it's more debilitating than an actual slap. Because it stops women from doing anything about the physical abuse. They stop thinking that there can be a way out, or that they should take the way out.

If he tells you that nobody is going to love you, want you, want to be with you, if he tells you you're not good enough, were never good enough, will never be good enough, sooner or later, you end up believing him. So you change. You become the person he tells you you are. You lose your voice, your opinions, your laughter. And you don't notice that your friends notice. You shut up and put up with it and in the bargain, you lose everything that made you, you.

Don't.

Please don't.

Walk out of an emotionally abusive relationship before it turns into a physically abusive one. And please, for the love of God, stop telling yourself that you'll never find someone else if you leave.

You will.

Maybe it'll be a man, someone with his own flaws, yes, but someone who's kinder, who doesn't make you feel like a piece of shit. He won't treat you like a princess 24x7. No man does and no man should - we're women, not dolls. But he'll treat you like a human being without expecting you to be grateful for it. Believe it or not, that kind of man does exist in plentiful numbers.

And even if you don't find a man to replace the monster you've left behind, you will find someone else. Someone far more important, who got lost in the nightmare, who you've all but forgotten.

Yourself.